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Modern marriages are increasingly ending in divorce. This is due not only to economic progress, thanks to which the family has ceased to be a way of survival: a girl can provide for herself, and a man can arrange his personal life. Having children out of wedlock or single-parent families is no longer frowned upon by society, and the divorce procedure is easier than ever. Therefore, the psychology of family relationships as a science that examines family problems, as well as ways to preserve it, has become especially relevant.

Stages of development of family relationships between husband and wife

Family relationships are not a static state, but a continuously developing process. Crises and conflicts are as much a part of it as love or respect. Any development is unthinkable without abandoning old forms and rules, so spouses need to be prepared for changes. Any couple goes through several stages of a relationship, each of which lasts several months or years:

1. Falling in love or the “candy-bouquet” period. This is the time when a man and a woman try to conquer each other and, under the influence of passion, tend to idealize and have high expectations for family life. The shortcomings of the other half are either not noticed at all or are perceived biasedly. A significant role is given to external data, behavior, and social status of the partner.
2. Getting used to it or getting used to it. The couple has already been living together for some time, and everyone’s priorities, life values ​​and interests come to the fore. Inconsistencies in these matters put two people in a position of opposition; quarrels and conflicts are a frequent companion in relationships. If a man or woman is unable to accept and understand each other, divorce is inevitable.
3. Compromises. If the couple has successfully overcome the previous stage, the time has come for stable family relationships. This does not always guarantee satisfaction for both partners, because... a compromise is reached in the family different ways(equality, submission, humility, pressure, etc.) - each spouse chooses and plays his own role, which suits everyone to one degree or another.
4. Ordinary and routine. Gradually, family relationships lose passion and become predictable. Boredom in communication is just as dangerous as an explosion of emotions in the previous ones. Spouses get tired of each other, lose the point of continuing family relationships, and begin to look for adventures on the side.
5. Mature family. If a man and woman have successfully overcome the first 4 levels, the time comes for conscious family relationships, which are not always based on love. Often, the cement of such relationships is mutual respect, experience of overcoming difficulties together, common interests (including material ones), as well as fear of loneliness.

Crises in the family

The crisis of family life is an inevitable transition to new round relationships. There is no need to be afraid of this, but it is worth preparing, learning to make concessions and taking responsibility if you have the goal of saving your family. Experts identify several periods of family relationships:

• The first year of family life is when internal and external boundaries of the family are formed and established, and the characters and habits of men and women are adjusted.
• From the 3rd to the 5th year - as a rule, at this time the first child appears, the housing issue is resolved, and joint expensive property is acquired. There is a redistribution of roles (spouses-parents), new responsibilities and new responsibilities appear. Falling in love develops into friendship or habit.
• From the 7th to the 9th year - the children grew up, everything “settled down”. There appears fatigue from each other, satiety in sex and joint habits, a sense of routine in everyday life and communication, disappointment in expectations that were not realized.
• From the 15th to the 20th year - children grow up and separate from parental family, career reaches a certain peak. There is a feeling that everything has been achieved, it is unclear where to move next. This period often coincides with a midlife crisis in a man or woman (40 years old), which also gives rise to uncertainty in future relationships.

Adultery (Why do spouses cheat on each other)

Cheating can happen at any stage of a family relationship. Occasionally, the reason for a man’s drinking spree becomes banal physical attraction combined with low moral principles (when the desire to get pleasure “here and now” exceeds the sense of family duty to his wife). However, much more often, factors such as:

• sexual dissatisfaction or boredom in bed;
• lack of self-confidence, the need to recognize one’s attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex;
• lack of spiritual intimacy, mental loneliness, when “there is no one to talk to”;
• violation of personal space, the need to feel free;
• tense family situation, need for psychological release, need to relieve stress;
• need for protection: the family is not a support system, one of the partners does not feel stability (in money or feelings) and tries to find it on the side.

If a person receives family relationships everything you need (love, respect, sexual satisfaction, recognition, understanding, care, physical and mental rest, stability), the desire to look for someone on the side does not arise. Not everyone is able to forgive betrayal, but trying to prevent such a turn of events is the task of both spouses.

How to build trusting relationships?

A strong family is always the work of a man and a woman, because to build trusting, close relationships and preserve a marriage for many years, love alone is not enough. Respect and the ability to compromise are the main keys to family happiness. Another secret of the psychology of happy relationships is that you should not try to avoid family quarrels, because this is almost unrealistic; it is better to learn how to properly resolve conflicts that arise. Experts in the psychology of family relationships offer the following advice for those who want to save their family:

• show your love as often as possible (if not in words, then in actions);
• do not try to change your other half - this is pressure that sooner or later will be met with hostility;
• do not compare your spouse with anyone - each person is individual;
• don’t be silent about the problems that concern you (your significant other, most likely, has no idea what’s in your head, and playing the silent game is a dead end).

If it comes to a quarrel, psychology experts advise remembering:

• there is no need to generalize and recall old grievances;
• say only what you intended to say (be specific);
• restrain your emotions (an offensive word spoken in the heat of the moment is remembered for a long time);
• know how to forgive.

Video: Why does conflict arise in marriage?

Understanding the psychology of family conflict is the first step to resolving it. After watching this video, you will learn about the psychological reasons for difficulties in the family. The point of view and advice of experts will tell you how to understand your partner during a period of crisis, what to do to successfully overcome conflicts in family relationships.

Attention! The information presented in the article is for informational purposes only. The materials in the article do not encourage self-treatment. Only a qualified doctor can make a diagnosis and make recommendations for treatment based on the individual characteristics of a particular patient.

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The previously described types of marriages (complementary, partially complementary and non-complementary) can be considered both as certain life scenarios and as corresponding types of relationships in marriage. The same applies to other types of marital relations: due to their stability and repetition (in the case of a change of partner), they can simultaneously be considered as “marriage scenarios”.

The psychoanalytic approach proposes the identification of certain personality types and their possible combinations, successful and unsuccessful for married life. At the same time, the identified personality types are not types in the literal sense of the word - they are not so much constellations of personality traits as a description of stable ways of behavior with a marriage partner. This is the classification offered by experts.

1. Equality-oriented partner Expects equal rights and responsibilities.

2. Romantic partner He expects spiritual consent, wants to create strong bonds of love, sentimental symbols are of great importance to him. Feels deceived when his partner refuses to play these romantic games with him.

3. Parent partner Takes care of others with pleasure and educates them.

4. Children's partner Brings some spontaneity, spontaneity and joy into the marriage, but at the same time gains power over the other through the manifestation of weakness and helplessness.

5. Rational partner Monitors the expression of emotions, strictly observes rights and responsibilities. A responsible person, sober in his assessments. Adapts well to life, despite the fact that the partner does not behave in the same way. May be mistaken about his partner's feelings.

6. Friendly partner He wants to be a companion and is looking for the same companion with whom he could share everyday worries and live life. He does not claim romantic love and accepts the usual hardships of family life as inevitable.

7. Independent partner Maintains a certain distance in relation to her partner in marriage. He strives to avoid excessive intimacy in relationships and wants his partner to respect these demands.

Combinations that may cause problems include the following:

· Both partners belong to the parent type;

· Both partners belong to the childish type;

· One partner is of the parental or child type, the other is of the independent type;

· One partner is a romantic type, the other- Equally moral, rational, independent or childish type.

Marriage Romantic partners It represents a tense and insufficiently stable union, since the romantic relationship gradually fades over time, and both partners may begin to look for them in other relationships outside of marriage. If we try to draw any parallels with the views of other authors, we can say that this is a marriage of partners who have not reached the stage Mature love.

Other psychodynamic scientists describe the following unconstructive types of relationships associated with the personal characteristics of partners:

· The wife has a romantic-hysterical type, suffers from a lack of attention and affection, and the husband is cold and has a psychasthenic character;

· The husband is looking for a mother in his wife who would constantly take care of him;

· Both partners are dependent types;

· Both partners (or one of them) are paranoid.

A wife who passionately dreams of love and an emotionally cold husband. Such a marriage is described by many scientists under slightly different names (“hysterical marriage”, “hysterical wife and obsessive husband”, etc.). The wife may have hysterical character traits of varying degrees of severity. Such a woman is usually emotional, attractive, has good taste and artistic inclinations. The husband is usually intelligent, educated, has a sense of responsibility, is successful at work, is respected, and unpretentious in everyday life. He tries to “always do the right thing” and has difficulty showing feelings. He usually looks for a wife who is the personification of femininity. At first, she brings her husband a lot of excitement, because she evokes in him feelings that he has never experienced. This inspires him; caring for his wife gives him a sense of self-worth. The wife, as a rule, having already experienced fleeting “dramatic” love, in turn chooses a balanced and reliable man, a good family man who can provide stability and a sense of security. After the romantic period of courtship, difficulties of family life arise.

The couple is deeply disappointed. The wife begins to criticize her husband's silent and “insensitive” behavior. She feels misunderstood and emotionally unsatisfied, as a result of which she tries to provoke a scandal or attacks her husband. The husband perceives his wife’s overly emotional behavior as unacceptable; her tendency to dramatize and “scandalous” behavior tires him. The marriage moves from the category of “good parent” and “kind child” to the category of “cold parent” and “obnoxious child.”

Often in such a marriage, the husband’s behavior can reinforce the wife’s hysterical behavior, which was initially slightly expressed. This happens in cases where the husband’s emotional coldness is clearly expressed, he is pedantic and prone to reasoning instead of decisive action. Usually he remains indifferent to his wife’s attempts to involve him in joint activities, and is ironic or hostile until his wife’s aggressive or hysterical behavior forces him to cooperate. A wife can count on the fulfillment of her desires or obtain cooperation from her husband only in cases where she throws him a tantrum. Thus, her hysterical behavior is reinforced.

A husband who sees his wife as a mother(“passive-dependent husband and dominant wife”). We can probably say that the nature of the relationship in such a marriage resembles that described in the previous version, only the spouses in it change roles. Here the man is usually characterized by insufficient personal and emotional maturity. He is distinguished by increased emotional sensitivity, requires attention and care, and traditionally masculine traits in his behavior are not very pronounced. They usually marry for love at a very young age, even before they are able to provide for their family themselves. Doubts about one's own masculinity are resolved by choosing a wife who is able to take on her husband's problems. Usually he chooses a woman who does not strive for a traditional female role and does not feel comfortable in a dependent position; she chooses a husband who is easy to subjugate. The behavior of such a woman is reminiscent of a mother's - she is reliable, consistent and patient.

In cases of conflict, the wife tries to suppress her husband. The husband's reaction is "passive-aggressive behavior" and depression.

For a wife, the inability to get what she wants from her husband causes hostility and irritability.

At first, the husband is attracted by his wife’s independence, he wants to take advantage of her strength. His wife helps him with his work and career advancement. But as he gains financial independence and the initial romantic overtones of the relationship with his wife fade, he finds himself a mistress, usually similar in personality to his wife. Often he seeks to marry his mistress, who behaves in marriage in the same way as his first wife.

Liars with double-sided addiction. In this marriage, both partners are dependent and immature. Both dream of love, while each of them thinks that in marriage he gives more than he receives. In cases of conflict, both go into fits of rage, both behave like children. Neither seeks to show interest in the problems of the other.

Paranoid marital relationships. IN In such marriage relationships, one of the partners, as a rule, humiliates and suppresses the other, pursuing him with his suspicions. Both have low self-esteem and value their partner low, but continue to live with each other, since the presence of just such a partner serves as a psychological justification for their lifestyle. Such a marriage can be considered as a sadomasochistic union described by E. Fromm. There are different options for such marriages.

· A paranoid husband and a depressed wife. This marriage involves an angry, suspicious and jealous husband who has lost manhood, and a wife with low self-esteem, who allows herself to be blamed because she believes that she will not find anyone better. Often her husband reminds her of her father, who did not recognize her, or abandoned her.

· A husband prone to depression, a wife prone to paranoid behavior. A jealous wife chooses a husband prone to depression. The wife's suspicion serves as an excuse for the husband that he should not strive for contacts with others, the outside world, which seems threatening to him.

Based on the type of distribution of power in the family, the following marriages can be distinguished:

· symmetrical;

· complimentary;

· metacomplementary.

IN Symmetrical In marriage, both spouses have equal rights, none of them is subordinate to the other. Problems are resolved through agreement, exchange, or compromise. IN Complimentary In a marriage, one partner is subordinate to the other: one gives orders, the other awaits advice or instructions. IN Metacomplementary In marriage, a leading position is achieved by one of the partners through the manipulation of the other: he realizes his own goals by emphasizing his weakness, inexperience, ineptitude or powerlessness.

There are other typologies of relationships in marriage, based on various reasons depending on where the researcher’s interest is concentrated. When working with a specific family that has problems in relationships, you can rely on any classification that is most suitable for the given situation. The use of psychoanalytic classifications to a greater extent involves working with intrapersonal conflicts of one of the spouses (in more rare cases, both spouses). The use of other classifications, which distinguish adaptive and non-adaptive types, rather focuses on replacing less adaptive interaction options with more adaptive ones.

Thus, Types of marriages are, in essence, various options intra-family communications.

A very complex topic. Psychologists, sociologists and just ordinary people ask questions year after year: why are good marriages so rare - marriages that do not stifle the development of partners, in which the bad mood of one does not respond to everyone at home, but is met with benevolent understanding? Perhaps the institution of marriage itself is incompatible with certain manifestations of human nature? Or maybe marriage is just an illusion that is about to disappear, or is it simply that modern men are not able to fill it with real content? Should we, in each case, talk about our own failure or is it the marriage itself that is to blame? Why is marriage so often the death of love? Should we come to terms with this as an objective inevitability, or is the reason inside each of us, where there is an irreconcilable struggle between forces that are different in content and impact? Can we recognize these forces and thus avoid their harmful influence?

At first glance, the problem seems very simple - and completely hopeless. The monotony of living with the same person for a long time creates boredom and makes relationships increasingly dreary, especially in sex. turn into a kind of routine. Gradually, the partners become fed up and cool down, and they say this is inevitable. However, this is only an individual symptom, and not the disease as a whole. After all, to see that a marriage has lost its soul and radiance only because of many years of monotony means looking at the situation very superficially.

The emptiness of a marriage is not so much caused by fatigue as it is the result of the action of hidden destructive forces that first secretly undermine its foundations, and then the grain falls on fertile soil disappointment, mistrust, hostility and hatred. Most often, we do not want to notice these forces, especially in our home, because we feel something threatening about them. After all, the mere recognition of their existence will force us to make unpleasant demands on ourselves. And, however, we will have to give ourselves an account of them and delve deeper into the problem relationship in marriage, if we really want to solve it from a psychological point of view. At the same time, the main question that we must ask is - where does the disgust of spouses towards each other begin?

First of all, there are some general reasons that are too common to go into detail. They come from our human limitations, which are well known and have little dependence on how much we are ready to admit or not admit it. But, no matter how we evaluate others, everyone knows the exception to the general rule - himself. Have you ever heard someone, when weighing the decision to get married, say: “I will eventually develop such and such unpleasant traits”? And this or that imperfection of the spouse - rest assured - will inevitably manifest itself during a long and close relationship. life together. At first this will only cause a cold lump of discontent, but then, rotating along the slope of the mountain of time, it grows into an avalanche. If the husband, which is very common, clings to the illusion of independence, he will react with secret bitterness to the fact that his feelings demand that his wife binds him. She, in turn, feeling a suppressed rebellion, will react to it with hidden anxiety and fear of losing her husband, and this anxiety will make her instinctively increase her demands on him. The husband will respond by increasing irritability and becoming defensive. And this will continue until the boiler finally explodes, and no one will ever understand the reason. An explosion can happen for a completely insignificant reason. Compared to marriage, all short-term relationships, be it flirting, friendship or connection, are much simpler in nature, since in them it is relatively easier for partners to avoid each other’s sharp corners.

Our dislike of straining ourselves, both externally and internally, more than is absolutely necessary, relates to ordinary human imperfections. A civil servant employed for life will most often not put much effort into his work. Work will not escape him, he does not have to compete with anyone and fight for his career, like professionals or even ordinary workers. Let us consider the prerogatives of the prenuptial agreement as they are enshrined in law or prevailing social standards. If we look at the problem from a psychological point of view, we immediately see that the lifelong right to support, friendship, fidelity and even sexual intercourse places a heavy burden on marriage, and it is easy to see that the great danger here lies precisely in its fatal similarity to the non-resignability of a civil servant. Our education has so little to do with marriage and relationship in marriage, that most of us don’t even know that we get love as a gift, and a good marriage needs to be built step by step. Since time immemorial, almost the only bridge across the gap between law and happiness has been known. This bridge is a change in our personal attitude towards a conscious renunciation of demands on our partner. I want to clarify that by requirements I mean requirements, not desires. In addition to these general complicating circumstances, there are many individually determined ones that differ in strength, character and likelihood of manifestation. There is also an endless series of traps, falling into which, love is transformed into hatred. We won't achieve much by listing them all, so it's best to focus on a few main ones.

Forecast for relationship in marriage unfavorable from the very beginning if the “wrong” partner is chosen for marriage. Why is it that when choosing who we will share our lives with, we so often choose the wrong person? What happens in this case? Maybe we don't understand what we really need? Or do we not know how to understand other people? Or does falling in love blind us so much? All this, of course, can play a role. However, we should think about one more significant circumstance: free choice cannot always be “wrong.” Some qualities of a partner really meet our expectations, something in him really promises the fulfillment of our desires and, perhaps, actually fulfills them in marriage. But if other personality traits are not taken into account as unnecessary or secondary, this “alienation” from the partner will then inevitably affect the relationship. Consequently, the essential error of such a choice is that it was made only in order to fulfill some particular condition. One single impulse, one single passion burst to the fore and obscured everything. For a man, for example, it may be an ardent desire to call his girlfriend, who is being sought after by many other admirers.

This is a particularly unfortunate condition for love, which subsequently kills everything marital relationship, because the wife’s external attractiveness for her husband will quickly disappear in the absence of rivals and will arise again only when new admirers appear on the scene, for whom he is unconsciously waiting. A partner may seem desirable because he (or she) promises to satisfy our longing for recognition in material, social, or spiritual terms. In other cases, our choices may be determined by still strong infantile desires. A man who lost his mother in childhood may unconsciously want to find her again, and choose a woman older than himself and with children as his wife. A girl who lost her father in childhood will most likely choose a man significantly older than herself, who reminds her of the parent she lost. She will be quite happy with him for several years, despite the complete lack of sexual relations. And this will last until she herself outgrows her childhood desire. And only then will it dawn on her that, being associated with a man who, despite a number of unconditionally pleasant qualities, does not mean much to her, she is actually lonely. In all such cases, and they are truly countless, too much in a person’s soul remains empty, unfilled. And the initial fulfillment of certain desires relationship in marriage gives way to subsequent disappointment. Disappointment is not the same as dislike, but forms its source, unless we are endowed with an exceptionally rare gift of tolerance and feel that relationships on such a limited basis block the path to the possibility of finding our happiness. It doesn’t matter at all how civilized we are and how successful we are in controlling our instincts. Within us, in accordance with our nature, there will gradually grow a dull rage against the person or force that threatens to interfere with the fulfillment of our vital aspirations. This rage, even against our will, will still break out and will noticeably influence our behavior, no matter how hard we try to forget about it and not think about it. possible consequences. And our partner will inevitably feel that the attitude towards him has become more critical, careless and intolerant.

Our own inconsistency also plays a big role. Danger to relationship in marriage this stems not so much from the fact that we are making ever new demands on love, but from the fact that these demands themselves are contradictory. We always consider ourselves more complete than we really are, because we are instinctively afraid, and not without reason, that our inconsistency threatens our personality and even life itself. Inconsistency is usually more noticeable in people who are emotionally unbalanced, but in this case it is inappropriate to talk about them specifically. For the nature of things is such that the internal contradiction of our demands manifests itself especially easily and strongly, among all people, in family life.

An example would be men who are closely tied to their family of origin and yet choose wives in contrast to their immediate circle, including
number - by nationality, appearance, interests and social status. This contrast, which initially attracted them, scares them away, and they unconsciously begin to look for something more familiar.

Or, for example, women with pretensions who want to achieve a high position, and at the same time do not dare to fulfill their ambitious dreams. They are looking for husbands who would do this for them. A husband should be perfect in every way: famous, educated and admirable. Many women will calm down on THIS. However, it just as often happens that the wife soon ceases to be satisfied marital relationship, when her desires are fulfilled not by her, but by her husband, since her own desire for power cannot come to terms with her husband overshadowing her.

And finally, there are women who choose a feminine, delicate and weak man. They are driven by their masculine (manly) position, although they may not realize it. However, they often also harbor an unconscious desire for a strong, rude male who will take them by force. Thus, they will be disgusted by their husband's inability to fulfill both desires at the same time, and they will secretly despise him for his weakness.

Such contradictions can create dislike between spouses in various ways. We may dislike our partner for his inability to give us what is very important to us, while taking his advantages for granted and not appreciating them at all. Over time, what is missing becomes a tempting goal, brightly embellished by our “knowing” that this is exactly what we “really” wanted in the first place. On the other hand, we may not love him precisely because he actually fulfilled our desires, since the result of this fulfillment turned out to be incompatible with our internally contradictory aspirations.

After your loved one has proposed marriage to you, you will begin preparations for this special day. But from now on you need to think about how to maintain normal relationships in marriage? After people get married, their lives change a lot; more problems and worries. No matter how ideal a wedding is, it is absolutely meaningless if you do not plan to build a long-term, strong relationship.

You need to think seriously even before marriage about what needs to be done in order to save the relationship. In order for a marriage to be happy and last long, it is necessary to take such things into account.

Mutual respect

It should be in every family. You should respect your own spouses. After all, if you don’t respect your own choice, it means that you don’t respect yourself either. Or did someone else choose your husband for you? If there is disrespect in the family, then nothing good should be expected from the relationship.

For example, if you have any doubts about the sincerity and honesty of your spouse, then you definitely need to talk to him about it, and not check his phone numbers and messages. It is imperative to take each other’s opinions into account. This is very important for a strong relationship.

Fidelity in marriage

Only your children can interfere in your relationship. If it is some other third party, it will be catastrophic. Some couples believe that cheating does not always make a marriage worse. A husband and wife can sometimes cheat on each other, but their relationship does not change at all, and sometimes becomes even better. It is better to discuss this issue with your spouse before marriage. You need to understand that ideal people does not exist.

If you have a very negative attitude towards cheating, and suddenly find out that your husband has cheated on you, then do not rush to file for divorce. Try to find out the reason why he did this. Maybe it was really a mistake, and your husband greatly regrets it. In any case, you need to give the person a second chance.

Religious Beliefs

Whatever the religious beliefs of your significant other, you must treat this with respect. If your spouse is of a different faith, then there is no need to insist that he join your faith. It is so stupid. Very often, different religious beliefs cause people to separate. Therefore, in order not to encounter such a problem, you need to try to look for a person who has the same faith as you.

Under no circumstances should you ask your loved one to change their faith, otherwise you will face a break in the relationship.

The belief that no one is obligated to do anything for you

Yes, in reality this is true. Nobody owes you anything, and you don't owe anything to anyone. If you have the belief that a person is obligated to do something for you or that he has no moral right to refuse you, then this is absolutely not true. If you want something, you can simply gently ask your loved one. If your significant other for some reason cannot or does not want to help you, then you need to perceive it as if a stranger had refused you.

It is very important to learn not to feel disappointed in such cases; there should be no expectations. Every time you ask for help, you only hope that it will be given to you, you should not demand it.

Money relationships

After people get married, their financial expenses change greatly. After starting a family, you need to spend more money. You need to buy products that your parents used to buy; these can also be expenses for children, for renting a car or apartment, or a house. To avoid any misunderstandings, it is imperative to jointly discuss the expected standard of living and approximate monthly costs.

Sexual relations

Every normal family should have sex. It plays an important role in relationships between people. But there are couples who are embarrassed to discuss topics related to the sexual preferences of their partners. But this is absolutely wrong. It is very important that people know what their significant other likes and doesn't like in sex.

You need to try to experiment, this way your partner will always be interested in you and he won’t have to look for something new on the side.

Common hobbies

Two loving people can have different hobbies. There is nothing wrong. You can sit and read your favorite book while your loved one takes a walk, or vice versa.

Some people argue that only different people are attracted, that different people can be together. But that's not true. In order for a relationship to develop and be strong, you need to be able to share hobbies and joy. If people in a couple share joy and hobbies, then family relationships will only get stronger.

Lack of criticism

Criticism should not be present in relationships. She only destroys them. With the help of criticism, a person is able to show that he is smarter than his partner, better than him. Psychologists have proven that if you criticize a person, reproach him, he will never get better from it. Therefore, you should not think that criticism can change your loved one for the better.

If your partner did something wrong, then you don’t need to tell him about it with irritation, because anyway the situation cannot be changed - it has already happened. You should be there for your loved one for support, not criticism. If you criticize a person, it irritates him greatly, and over time this irritability accumulates and becomes hostility. And this leads to a breakup or an unhappy marriage.

What methods do you use to maintain love and relationships in marriage?

Marriage is enlightenment and, at the same time, a mystery. In it, a transformation of a person occurs, an expansion of his personality. A person gains new vision, a new sense of life, and is born into the world in a new fullness. Only in marriage is it possible to fully know a person, to see another person. In marriage, a person is immersed in life, entering it through another person. This knowledge and life give that feeling of completeness and satisfaction that makes us richer and wiser.

This completeness deepens even more with the emergence of a third, their child, from two merged together. A perfect married couple will give birth to a perfect child, it will continue to develop according to the laws of perfection; but, if there is an unconquered discord and contradiction between the parents, then the child will be the product of this contradiction and will continue it.

Through the Sacrament of Marriage, grace is also granted for raising children, which Christian spouses only contribute to, as the Apostle Paul says: “Not I, however, but the grace of God, which is with me” (1 Cor. 15:10).

Guardian Angels, given to infants from Holy Baptism, secretly but tangibly assist parents in raising children, averting various dangers from them.

If in a marriage there was only an external union, and not a victory of each of the two over his own selfishness and pride, then this will affect the child and will lead to his inevitable alienation from his parents - a split in the home church.

But it is also impossible to forcibly restrain, instill, force to be the way the father and mother want it, the one who, having received a body from them, received from God the main thing - the one and only personality with his own path in life. Therefore, for raising children, the most important thing is that they see their parents living a true spiritual life and shining with love.

Human individualism and selfishness create special difficulties in marriage. They can only be overcome through the efforts of both spouses. Both must build the marriage daily, fighting the vain daily passions that undermine its spiritual foundation - love. The festive joy of the first day should last a lifetime; every day should be a holiday, every day a husband and wife should be new to each other. The only way for this is to deepen everyone’s spiritual life, work on oneself, and walk before God. The worst thing in marriage is the loss of love, and sometimes it disappears because of trifles, so all thoughts and efforts must be directed to preserving love and spirituality in the family - everything else will come on its own. This work must begin from the very first days of life together. It would seem that the simplest, but also the most difficult thing is the determination to take everyone’s place in marriage: for the wife to humbly take second place, for the husband to take on the burden and responsibility of being the head. If you have this determination and desire, God will always help you on this difficult, martyr, but also blissful path. It’s not for nothing that while walking around the lectern they sing “Holy Martyrs...”

It is said about a woman - “a weak vessel.” This “weakness” consists mainly in the woman’s subjection to the natural elements within herself and outside of her. As a result, weak self-control, irresponsibility, passion, short-sightedness in judgments, words, and actions. Almost no woman is free from this; she is often a slave to her passions, her likes and dislikes, her desires.

Only in Christ does a woman become equal to a man, subordinate her temperament to higher principles, and acquire prudence, patience, the ability to reason, and wisdom. Only then is her friendship with her husband possible.

However, neither a man nor, especially, a woman have absolute power over each other in Marriage. Violence against the will of another, even in the name of love, kills love itself. It follows from this that it is not always necessary to humbly submit to such violence, since it poses a danger to those most dear to us. Most marriages are unhappy precisely because each party considers itself the owner of the one it loves. Almost all family difficulties and discords come from here. The greatest wisdom of a Christian marriage is to give complete freedom to the one you love, for our earthly marriage is similar to the heavenly marriage - of Christ and the Church - and there is complete freedom. The secret of happiness of Christian spouses lies in the joint fulfillment of the will of God, uniting their souls with each other and with Christ. The basis of this happiness is the desire for the highest, common Object of love for them, which attracts everything to itself (John 12:32). Then all family life will be directed towards Him, and the union of those combined will be strengthened. And without love for the Savior, no connection is strong, for neither in mutual attraction, nor in common tastes, nor in common earthly interests, not only does a true and lasting connection lie, but, on the contrary, often all these values ​​suddenly begin to serve separation. The Christian marriage union has the deepest spiritual foundation, which is not possessed either by physical communication, for the body is subject to illness and aging, or by the life of feelings, changeable by nature, or by community in the field of common worldly interests and activities, “for the image of this world passes away” (1 Cor. 7:31). Life path a Christian married couple can be likened to the rotation of the Earth with its constant satellite the Moon around the Sun. Christ is the Sun of Truth, warming His children and shining for them in the darkness.

“Glorious is the yoke of two believers,” says Tertullian, “who have the same hope, who live according to the same rules, who serve the One Lord. Together they pray, together they fast, they mutually teach and exhort each other. Together they are in church, together at the Lord’s Supper ", together in sorrows and persecutions, in repentance and joy. They are pleasing to Christ, and He sends down His peace to them. And where there are two in His name, there is no place for any evil."